Looking For The Light

We never meet the right people at the wrong time, do we? Or maybe we do, and these people just stay somehow, refusing to leave, willing to fight for us till the time turns right too.

I had just joined college with the memories of school etched fresh in my mind. I’d like to pause here for a moment to clarify that these aren’t the kind of memories one likes to carry with them. No, they’re not the happy ones. To as far as I can date back, I never had any ‘worth cherishing’ experience at School. I know most people love to talk about their school memories, but I wasn’t one of them. If anything, I’ve always wanted to shove that part of my life in a box and bury it so deep that it just couldn’t be retrieved. I was bullied, publicly humiliated, taken advantage of, and treated as a pushover. And this wasn’t just among the students. Unfortunately, my teachers too were sexist, demotivating, and critical about those who studied humanities. And, I was one of them.

Growing up in such a toxic environment for over fifteen years, definitely took a toll on me. In my will to fight for what disturbed me, somewhere made me like that too. Once a victim, I had become a victimiser myself. I turned sexist and homophobic too. Call this my “rough patch”, so be it.

Graduating with this narrow mindset, I embarked on my journey to do Bachelors of Arts in English. I was in my late teens, with very little practical knowledge, been subject to prejudice by everyone, and doubtful of everyone I met. But somehow, even in this tumultuous phase, I made a friend. This girl was different from any other I had met or been friends with before. She was nice to me, polite and kind, and sometimes, too straightforward as well. Maybe it was what she did, what she said, or the way she was with me that made me fall for her. Maybe.

Coming back to myself, I had relatively no concept of personal space back then and I did cross the line once or twice. This surely wasn’t new for me, but what was new was how she responded to it. She forgave me. No judgements, no preconceived notions no labelling. Just forgiveness. Now, this was new. Maybe it was because of this that I kind of retaliated a few times and pushed back on the boundaries, just to see if she would embrace those parts of me. And, she did. This seemed like a fresh start. A new beginning which motivated me to change my ways. To confess, it wasn’t easy to unlearn things I had picked up over fifteen years. Yet, I gave my best.

I dealt with each of those traumatic school memories in the comfort of unconditional acceptance and tried each day to become a better version of myself. One that was sensitive, progressive, and above all, forgiving. Here I am today, almost three years later, with not a lot of things to miss from school, but a lot of happy moments and memories with her to cherish and hold onto forever. To the one whose been with me at my weakest, reminding me that things never change overnight. Life is all a journey and the dust settles in its own time. We just need to keep going. Persevere.

A huge shoutout to the person who refused to leave my side and stood by me at my weakest, the one who brought out the best in me with selfless love, support, and nurturance. I am still getting over some parts of the past that creep in momentarily, but her friendship has made it a lot easier for me to move on and I’m grateful for what we have.

Thank you for listening to me when I was breaking down. Thank you for understanding my silence and my anger. Thank you for your patience and endurance. Thank you for bringing in the sun with you when I felt drenched in rain. Thank you for being YOU!

To the best friend and partner I could ever ask for. And, to my soulmate – Thank you today and always.

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