One would otherwise believe that a jovial, happy-go-lucky, homely, and a helpful person wouldn’t have faced any life-altering challenges in life. But, who has seen life without hardships? Right? Hello everyone, I am an aspiring mental health professional and unlike the widely propagated belief that ‘they have their A-game on all the time’, I am an emotionally vulnerable person.
It’s safe to say that the year 2014 was a game-changer for me. It initiated a roller coaster ride of breath-wenching ups and downs in my life. It was the year I fell deeply in love with someone and decided to share my feelings with him, soon to discover, that he wasn’t looking for any commitment and wanted a no-strings-attached relationship. In complete denial of what had happened, all I could think about was him and our future together. I bent inside out to be with him, even if it meant for me to let go of my dignity and respect. I lost grip over myself in the face of such emotional upsurges and even helplessly begged him to stay in my life.
Deluded by my incessant need to be with him and bogged by his unreasonable demands, I always found myself helpless, clueless, desperate, and needy. Demand for a ‘no-strings-attached’ bond challenged my value system and disturbed me. Constant such requests made me question my character and demeanour, wondering if it was something that I did, be it proposing him or expressing my love unapologetically, that lead him to misinterpret my intent. As much as I became resentful of him, it was almost toxic how I still couldn’t forgo him. I continued to support him in times when he felt low and encouraged him to snap our of anxious bouts when he was in the midst of completing his PhD work. Ironically, without realising I somewhere started displacing that bitterness on myself. I stopped taking care of myself to a point that I disrespected all the emotional boundaries that made me feel safe, just to ensure his presence in my life.
It was during these grave circumstances that a close friend introduced me to the practice of Nichiren Daishonin’s Buddhism. Here, I realised how important it was for him to be in a state of happiness to understand how he was causing me misery. I earnestly chanted for his courage, compassion, and wisdom, alongside working to improve myself and shift from a ‘reacting’ mode to ‘responding’ one. Seeing a change in me, one day he deiced to put his guards down and shared how his first romantic relationship scarred him. His partner cheated on him with her best friend and this distorted his views about relationships. Generalising feelings of dejection, he began to believe that no girl deserved loyalty and he had multiple such no-strings-attached relationships with many girls thereafter. Seeing us both come together was a triggering point for him, and to self-sabotage, he proposed such ideas to me as well.
Surprisingly, instead of feeling angry and bursting out at him for making me suffer for something I didn’t do in the first place, I didn’t judge him and validated his experiences. I could feel him from my inner being. The connection I felt with him was so rare and yet so profound. I decided to be with him in this rough patch and support him through the stormy tides, thinking that with time, things will fall in place. But then again, life had plans of its own. Soon, he asked me to look for someone else and get settled. This was beyond shattering for me. Trying to hold onto each shattered piece of my heart, I still went on to meet someone in an arranged marriage setup. It was discomforting in the beginning but, slowly I shifted my emotional anchor to this guy. It gave me hope to think that he would understand me and support me in my journey of moving on and being happy. Suddenly, he stopped taking my calls and later told me that things wouldn’t work between us as he felt we were incompatible. This made me miserable. I ruthlessly blamed myself for being ill-treated in both these relationships. I pointed harsh fingers at myself and sulked till I feel out of breath.
What aggravated the situation was to make a decisive career choice with such a bleak mental state. Pushing myself through it all, one small baby step at a time, I finally got admission in an M.Phil program at Calcutta University. During this time, I met someone else from a matrimonial site. He stayed out of town, and so each time I asked him to visit, he very casually postponed or made some excuse. Later, he stopped responding to my messages and calls too. By now, I was not only embarrassed but humiliated. I felt unworthy of love or commitment. I felt something was so gravely wrong with me, I couldn’t sustain any relationship. Ambivalent to how I felt, my parents began pressurising me to start talking to potential mates to consider the prospect of love marriage. But no matter how much I tried, being swamped with back to back sessions at work, and the emotional baggage of my past experiences was draining me of any strength I had. I felt a constant unexplainable mental and physical fatigue which made it hard for me to concentrate on my studies as well. My performance deteriorated and I started skipping my appointments too. Alongside constant reminders of being a failure at ‘love’, I began to question my sincerity in studies as well. Irregularity at classes left me with abundant doubts and nowhere to go to for clarifying them. Everyone, including me, started having doubts around me being able to clear my M.Phil in two years.
What I craved then was a way to undo my life or just relocate to a new country altogether to study and start my life afresh. Contrary to what I thought, I cleared my first year of exams after a lot of inner struggle, only for the situation to worsen in the upcoming year. Due to my emotional unavailability, I couldn’t get a good grip over the concepts being taught in class and my supervisors started avoiding me. In time, when I had to choose my research topic and guide for the thesis, no one wanted to be a part of my research work. This episode of bearing the brunt of partiality, and being seen as a failure before the opportunity to even try, buried me in self-doubt. However, amidst all this uncertainty, fear, chaos, and pointed fingers, the only thing that gave me respite and the strength to not give in was my Buddhist faith. I seriously took to study meetings in faith and began to chant in the earnest to change my life completely.
To no surprise, I failed to meet the criteria for the second year and was left with no case to be submitted for my assignment. This meant repeating another academic year. Humiliated, I didn’t know how to break this news to my family. Wanting an escape, I even pondered upon writing a suicide note accepting blame for being a failure. But, somehow my spiritual and clinical wisdom took over me. It helped me see past parts of me which felt like a failure. It helped me to see myself as a whole, someone more than her mistakes. Some flawed, yet worthy. Someone who, regardless of how shattered she felt, gave hope to her clients. Someone who still wanted to give out a fight. Someone who suddenly felt some strength well up in her. Someone who gradually moved towards giving herself and her life another chance.
Fortunately, some of my friends, juniors, and family stepped up this time to support me and encourage me to persevere for another year. I tried each day to be more compassionate towards myself and to be more kind. I took this as an opportunity to change my fundamental nature of self-doubt to self-belief. Yes, the circumstances were unchanged, but what changed was my conduct as I approached these hardships. I even stood up for myself and asked my family members to not push me for marriage right now as I didn’t feel I was ready.
As my classmates settled in their work-engagements, I embraced the 3rd year of my M.Phil journey. I continued to be insulted by one of my teachers who made it hard for me to adapt and work on my progress with her ridiculing reminders about the past. Nonetheless, I was determined to not give in and continued to work on myself. I started studying diligently and even took consistent supervision. With hard work, dedication and strong payers, it so happened that I was allotted the highest number of clinical cases. I managed to keep pace with my plan and even study to be in rhythm with the supervisors. Each time my past failure peeped in to shake my momentum, I re-determined to challenge myself. And sometimes, my juniors also supported me with selfless emotional support. I even went on to develop a nourishing bond with my mentor with whom I could share my personal struggles too. As the end of the academic year approached, it was time for me to submit my assignments.
We are indeed presented with our biggest fight that taps on our weak spots in moments right before we claim our victory. I was no exception to this rule. I crossed paths with someone during this phase who promised me marriage and began demanding sexual intimacy. But, this time, I respected my boundaries regardless of how emotionally triggering all this felt. I took charge of my life and ensured to be steady with my work no matter what. I continued to give my best without thinking about the result and for this, I am grateful for my mother’s support. It was just a week before the advent of the current pandemic that I got gave my final exams. Even though the results are still awaited, the flashbacks almost seem like haunting nightmares, and I still feel unprepared to sign up for marriage, I feel proud of where I am. I have stumbled on each of these hardships to develop a self that may feel low too often but doesn’t shy away from bouncing back. A self that respects herself and doesn’t beg anyone to be with her. A self that is too real to fear failure or fear tough emotions. A self that has learnt that she is a human who can experience a wide array of emotions which may or may not be all rosy, and self who is okay with the idea of making mistakes.
My most precious learning has been that ‘there is nothing we cannot achieve’. We all have challenges and hardships, what’s important is how we take it from there. Are we sulking and self-pitying with ‘why me’ or are we bring about a change in the most fundamental level on the inside to bring about a change on the outside. I have started believing that our environment is just a reflection of our inner life condition. So, when faced with a challenge, instead of lamenting about life, what can sail us through is a strong determination to change something within us. Let’s all embrace ourselves and be a little kinder with ourselves. Let’s seek realism and ditch perfectionism in our path to seek happiness. And, foremost, let us never forget that happiness is an inside job.
Thank You.
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